Since “TARTARUS” there have been a few developments I feel like sharing. After I had finished recording the episode I then thought a bit more about my situation, it was during this introspective time that the thought occurred to me to pray. Some context: for more than a year now (roughly) I’ve gone back in forth on the subject of God (The Christian interpretation.) I’ve seeked him out repeatedly. The “Why” remains a mystery. Is it desperation and my lack of control over my Disorder that propels me toward belief in God? Or is he truly real, and not some delusion I desperately wish was true. I’ve read the books of “Daniel”, “Revelations”, and a multitude of other sections of “The Holy Bible” but there’s still a great deal of Inner Conflict. In fact more often than not when I’ve read the Bible rather than reinforce my faith in The Lord, it diminishes my faith greatly. I read the scripture and I wonder why God doesn’t play an active role in the world anymore. You read The Bible and The Lord’s doings are not open to interpretation or conjecture, so why is it that most things believers attribute to God are so open to speculation? The “presence” of God people commonly feel could very easily be perceived in a myriad of different ways. One example is that Prayer and the comfort that accompanies it could be attributed to “Self-Talk” which has Medical Studies backing its efficacy. When characters in The Holy Bible prayed that would be followed by a verbal response from God!

EX: “It is in the power of my hand to do you hurt: but the God of your father spake unto me yesternight, saying, Take thou heed that thou speak not to Jacob either good or bad.”
‭‭Genesis‬ ‭31‬:‭29‬ ‭KJV‬‬
This is an example of God actively participating and it offers no room for speculation as Laban himself acknowledges that it was Jacobs’s God. In the book of “Daniel,” he prays for the answers to his Visions, and God answers by sending an Angel.

“And whiles I was speaking, and praying, and confessing my sin and the sin of my people Israel, and presenting my supplication before the LORD my God for the holy mountain of my God; yea, whiles I was speaking in prayer, even the man Gabriel, whom I had seen in the vision at the beginning, being caused to fly swiftly, touched me about the time of the evening oblation. And he informed me, and talked with me, and said, O Daniel, I am now come forth to give thee skill and understanding.”
‭‭Daniel‬ ‭9‬:‭20‬-‭22‬ ‭KJV‬‬
In all my time seeking God I have never experienced anything like the Characters in The Holy Bible and in general even amongst the most dedicated of believers nonexperience anything kin to that of The Characters in the Bible. This leads to questions such as “Am I not worthy?”, “Does God not listen to my Prayers?”, “What am I doing wrong?” a seemingly endless amount of questions arise every time I read The Bible, despite the common consensus being that the Word of The Lord should bring about the opposite effect. There are also contradictions in The Bible itself when it comes to God’s character and his son Jesus Christ. We’re led to believe that the crucifixion of Christ was an Act of Love by God so that man would no longer be a slave to sin and so that despite whatever sins he may have committed he could still be saved. Look to the book of “Revelations”

“And unto the angel of the church in Thyatira write; These things saith the Son of God, who hath his eyes like unto a flame of fire, and his feet are like fine brass; I know thy works, and charity, and service, and faith, and thy patience, and thy works; and the last to be more than the first. Notwithstanding I have a few things against thee, because thou sufferest that woman Jezebel, which calleth herself a prophetess, to teach and to seduce my servants to commit fornication, and to eat things sacrificed unto idols. And I gave her space to repent of her fornication; and she repented not. Behold, I will cast her into a bed, and them that commit adultery with her into great tribulation, except they repent of their deeds. And I will kill her children with death; and all the churches shall know that I am he which searcheth the reins and hearts: and I will give unto every one of you according to your works.”
‭‭Revelation‬ ‭2‬:‭18‬-‭23‬ ‭KJV‬‬
We are Told in the book of “Peter” that Jesus during his crucifixion made no insults and held no resentments but here he is not solely punishing the Prophetess who wronged him but also Killing her Children, who committed no sin, or act of malice against Christ.

“And I beheld, and I heard the voice of many angels round about the throne and the beasts and the elders: and the number of them was ten thousand times ten thousand, and thousands of thousands; saying with a loud voice, Worthy is the Lamb that was slain to receive power, and riches, and wisdom, and strength, and honour, and glory, and blessing. And every creature which is in heaven, and on the earth, and under the earth, and such as are in the sea, and all that are in them, heard I saying, Blessing, and honour, and glory, and power, be unto him that sitteth upon the throne, and unto the Lamb for ever and ever.”
‭‭Revelation‬ ‭5‬:‭11‬-‭13‬ ‭KJV‬‬
This brings me to my Original point That Christ’s crucifixion’s purpose was to free us and offer salvation. But “Revelation” blatantly contradicts that as Christ gained power, and riches, and wisdom, and strength, and honour, and glory, and blessing after death. There’s so much more but I’m exhausted. I don’t know what to do about God.